It is expected of a mom (any mom) to have good days and bad days. Well, unfortunately today is a bad day for me. I am not sure if it is (a) because of lack of sleep or (b) the overwhelming feeling that seems to be weighing heavy on my mind lately. Probably a little of both.

Daven, for some reason I have yet to figure out, didn’t sleep well at all last night. I think I saw every hour on the clock. Need-less-to-say, I am a bit disoriented today. Dark circles and puffy eyes…it isn’t pretty. Nights like last night, make me appreciate the nights when Daven only wakes up once or twice. Those are like a little slice of heaven when compared to looking at the clock only to find that you have slept 45 minutes since the last time you looked.

As Logan and I are trying to figure out how to get Daven to sleep, I suggested “Knocking him out with a mallet” only to hear Logan say…”Never in a million years would I suggest that!” Now wait, before you turn me into Protective Services, hear me out. Of course, I would NEVER actually knock my son out with a mallet, but that doesn’t mean I can’t think about it right? When you are already drained from a long day and dreading a long Monday morning ahead, the last thing you want is to be up every hour on the hour trying to calm a screaming child. Especially when you have NO IDEA why he is actually screaming. I LONG for the day when Daven can tell me or at the least point to me what is hurting him.

As for the overwhelming feeling, this just comes and goes when you are raising a special needs child. It has seemed to me that Daven’s development has halted for a while. I haven’t seen as much growth as I had hoped for at this point in time. In a few weeks, Daven will be 18 months old and I had so hoped that he would be crawling, standing, or walking by this time. When I read of other WS babies that are younger than Daven but farther along in the development process, I can’t help but fell terribly sad.

As I was throwing my own pity party, I thought to myself…as long as Daven hits these milestones, it won’t matter later in his life when he hit them…just that he did. So that seemed to talk me off the ledge. I also try to think of it as though I get to enjoy the “baby” stages longer than most moms. However, this is a lot easier said than done. I can’t begin to tell you how badly it hurts when a mom says “My baby is just growing up too fast, I want him/her to stop growing.” All I can do is sit back and think…Oh no you don’t! Grow, Grow, Grow little one.

I am trying to allow Daven to grow at his own pace. I will stop trying to make him grow at MY pace, but let him grow and develop in his own time. This just forces me to see how precious every little milestone can be. Thank you God for truly opening my eyes.

Sorry for the lengthy downer post. Maybe tomorrow will be one of those “good days” everyone talks about. ;-)

LOVE LOVE LOVE