As much has Daven has grown over the past few months, he is still terribly behind in every aspect of development. He isn’t standing independently. He isn’t even close to walking. Words won’t be coming anytime soon. Potty training hasn’t even been in my scope of thinking yet. And don’t even get me started on eating. The more I have thought about this the more melancholy I feel. He is slowly getting farther and farther behind. I try not to think about it day in and day out…but the more I watch other children grow and thrive, the more aware of it I am.
Will we be stuck in Babyland forever? Will Daven forever wake up two and three times at night to take a bottle? Will I always be trying to communicate with my child by using the sounds of cries instead of words? Will I be feeding my child out of a bottle until he grows out of that and into a G-tube? I know I know, maybe I am exaggerating a tad…but I have to be honest with myself. We aren’t getting anywhere fast! Granted, nothing with WS has been a fast process. I do understand this. However, others seem to be growing and making progress in spite of WS. But Daven…just isn’t.
Indulge me a minute to vent. I am starting to take all of this personal. Are other babies thriving because the parenting is better? Am I the common denominator here? I do work with him and I do feel that Daven is a happy boy…however, happiness isn’t going to get us very far when it comes to growth and maturity. Am I really a good mother?
Logan and I had a date last night. It was so great to spend some one on one time with him. The night was perfect and then…we had the conversation. The “are we ready for a second baby” conversation. I could feel my body tense up and tears immediately started to fall. I am honestly panic stricken about baby number two. I trust that God will give us a perfectly beautiful child. And I don’t have fears (well not too many at least) of having a second special needs child. My fear is that I, as a mother, won’t do a fantastic job. I could manage and do “okay,” but by no means will I be as amazing as the mothers I have seen. The examples of “mommy-hood” that I see on a daily basis leaves me in awe. I fear I will never be that mom. And that is what scares me.
“I don’t really want an answer. I just want to send this cosmic question out into the void. So good night, dear void.”
LOVE LOVE LOVE
Will we be stuck in Babyland forever? Will Daven forever wake up two and three times at night to take a bottle? Will I always be trying to communicate with my child by using the sounds of cries instead of words? Will I be feeding my child out of a bottle until he grows out of that and into a G-tube? I know I know, maybe I am exaggerating a tad…but I have to be honest with myself. We aren’t getting anywhere fast! Granted, nothing with WS has been a fast process. I do understand this. However, others seem to be growing and making progress in spite of WS. But Daven…just isn’t.
Indulge me a minute to vent. I am starting to take all of this personal. Are other babies thriving because the parenting is better? Am I the common denominator here? I do work with him and I do feel that Daven is a happy boy…however, happiness isn’t going to get us very far when it comes to growth and maturity. Am I really a good mother?
Logan and I had a date last night. It was so great to spend some one on one time with him. The night was perfect and then…we had the conversation. The “are we ready for a second baby” conversation. I could feel my body tense up and tears immediately started to fall. I am honestly panic stricken about baby number two. I trust that God will give us a perfectly beautiful child. And I don’t have fears (well not too many at least) of having a second special needs child. My fear is that I, as a mother, won’t do a fantastic job. I could manage and do “okay,” but by no means will I be as amazing as the mothers I have seen. The examples of “mommy-hood” that I see on a daily basis leaves me in awe. I fear I will never be that mom. And that is what scares me.
“I don’t really want an answer. I just want to send this cosmic question out into the void. So good night, dear void.”LOVE LOVE LOVE
7 Responses to “Babyland”
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About me
- I'm Aspen
- From Clovis, New Mexico, United States
- Happily married to Logan for 5 years. We have a precious son Daven Tate who was diagnosed with Williams Syndrome (a genetic disorder)at 11 months old. What a joy it will be to watch him grow. Daven just turned TWO!
- My profile
Let me just say this....Aspen, you are an amazing mother! Don't you EVER for one second question that! You have been dealing with things that most of the world would never imagine taking on, and you have done it with a grace that most of the people IN your world look up to YOU. You are AWESOME and should be proud of ALL that you do for your family. WHEN you decide to have baby #2, not only will you be an amazing mommy...but he/she will sure be a lucky little precious baby tiny, to have been chosen by God to have you as thier mother...just as Daven is one of the luckiest little boys in the world!! I LOVE YOU!!
I hear what you're saying. I think that kind of stuff all the time - "Am I doing enough OT/Speech/PT with Brady?" "Should I be fighting harder for more services?" Plus the old questions - "When will he be sitting, standing, talking, ... and SMILING more than the handful of times we've seen?????" I see these other babies fly past us in weight and achivement and I wonder if Brady will be on the other end of the spectrum - the severe end.
The questions haunt me... the future haunts me. And even though I only know you from these boards, and not trying to be nice just honest, I don't think for an instant that Daven isn't where you want him to be because of you. I read what you do with him and what you spend your time trying to accomplish. You have such dedication and devotion that only a true mother can have. You are an outstanding woman and I learn from you all the time. (And that's without being nice!!)
I think that all these WS kids on these boards are the same, yet ironically unique. We all have aour struggles, we all have different problems. We can only learn from each other and cheer each other on. I am often jealous of these photos with their kids smiling ear to ear... if Brady walks next month it will still be without him smiling, which Daven has always been doing (not that Brady will walk next month, of course!) I just mean these kids are going to do what they're going to do, we can only guide them and help them. You have done tose very things. You are an AMAZING person - DON'T forget that!!!
Aspen, I am in tears in front of the monitor, I feel the same way as you do!!!! (that's why I was not posting for a while, I am in a mini depression...) I really feel that I am not enough, maybe I could work harder with Szabi or be more stayer, but I thought that if he is happy I may not force him to do developer tasks instead of playing. Maybe I was wrong...
But to be honest: we are down on all fours now, soon it'll be better, maybe we need a big sleeping and next morning we are going to feel better, our boys are great. I think the main problem is in our mind: we ought not to "monitor" what our sons should do, just forget everything and enjoy mothering... but it is not possible :(
So I have no optimistic tips for you, I feel the way like you... Hope things getting better soon!!!!
Love, Kati
Aspen, I don't have an answer for you so I won't even try. I will only say, you are so "that mom". I read your blog and am constantly inspired by your ease at parenting, beautiful spirit, and caring nature. It breaks my heart that you are having doubts about that. Daven and any future children would be so lucky to have you as their mama. Thinking of you, Nicole
Aspen-you are a fantastic mother please do not ever doubt that...a second child for you family would be a blessing especially to Daven. You are playing a great hand I honestly think geography is against you...Travel find out what is going on with that adorable baby boy and in the process make a baby..... LOVE YOU TONS
The one thing that I have learned about WS that I often forget, but it is so important, our kids will do things on there own time. We can be there, we can nuture, we can love, we can toil, we can cry, we can pray. But in the end, they are on their own in terms of development. You are a great mom because you care and you are brave enough to ask that question: Am I doing enough? That tells me yes, you are, because you care enough to ask that it means you are doing enough. Does that make sense? Listening to your child is what makes a great mom, not a mom who goes to superhuman and exhausting lengths to push your child when he isn't ready. How does that help him if he isn't ready? When will Daven be ready, it is hard to say, but I have no doubt you will be there to help him when he is.
XOXO
You are an incredible mother, Aspen. Don't ever question that. And don't let that be your deciding factor in whether or not to have another one.
I think all us WS mommies feel we are not doing all we can for our kids. I know I feel like that all the time with Clare. Especially now being pregnant, I feel like I am shafting her most days because I am just so tired (and Jamie, too!). But I know I am not, and she benfits just by being loved and cared for, whether or not we do all the recommended therapies every day. Just like Clare, Daven will walk and talk when he's ready. Just keep on being the amazing mom you are to him! He and Logan are blessed to have you.